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by Leslie Generic, 11/3/00

Leslie: Here now the news. I'm Leslie Generic. As speculation increases that the election will be extremely close, new attention is being focused on the Electoral College. Analysts say the popular vote could favor one candidate, while the decisive Electoral votes might put a different candidate in the White House. Famed dual personality Dr. Jekyll explains how that might feel.

Jekyll: (calm) On one hand you've got "A constitutional president!"
(insane) On the other... "the people's choice." Everybody knows it!
(calm) Where is our allegiance? With the people?
(insane) Or the Constitution? We don't even know which is which, do we?
(calm) I mean one of them is rational. But the other is...
(insane) DANGEROUS! But which is dangerous and which is rational depends on which you voted for!
(calm) Was it your guy who got cheated?.
(insane) Or the other one! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Leslie: To complicate matters further, pundits and political analysts say American voters are woefully unaware of the real meaning of their votes. Hector Barton is director of the Vote Decoding Project, a political insider think tank.

Hector: A vote for Nader is really a vote for Bush because it doesn't go to Gore, and Gore needs it.

Leslie: What if a person wants his vote to go to Nader and not Bush.

Hector: A vote for Gore is a vote for Nader. 'Cause Bush is gonna win anyway, y'see? So if you vote for Gore, that'll weaken Bush so that as president, he'll make sure Nader gets another shot in four years to block Gore a second time.

Leslie: Is there a way to vote for Gore?

Hector: A vote for Bush is actually a vote for Gore because giving it to Bush keeps Nader from getting it. So if you want Bush vote Nader, if you want Nader vote Gore, if you want Gore vote Bush. And if this makes you insane, vote Buchanan.

Leslie: Hector Barton of the Vote Decoding Project. The first crew of the International Space Station continues its mission to worldwide acclaim. But this first step towards a permanent human presence in space is causing problems for the people charged with describing the mission's importance. Lacy Booster is a press release writer at NASA.

Lacy: We can't say the mission is groundbreaking. There's no ground. And we hope nothing breaks. We can't say it's a landmark. Or trailblazing, without dust. Can't call it a watershed. No water. No shed. Words fail me.

Leslie: In a new study just published in the Journal of Resentment, it was revealed that researchers at Pandering College have discovered elderly people are often happier than their much younger counterparts. Laura Muttering is a graduate student who worked on the project.

(sfx: paper rustling)

Muttering: We surveyed 200 students and... I don't know how many (sigh) older people, it seemed like a million. And anyway, the "senior citizens" were less paranoid, less negative, not as self absorbed, happier, and almost as lusty as the twenty somethings. In spite of being sick and everything. You look at the data and it seems like they were just... thrilled... to be talking to someone who wanted to ask them questions. And the younger people were hurried and crabby! And that's not fair!

(sfx: paper rustling out)

Leslie: The announcement that the United States Army will switch to black berets for it's soldiers has helped launch beret futures sky high on the International Headgear Exchange. Kennedy Fitzgerald is head trader for Derby, Topper and Chapeau.

Kennedy: (phone) Berets have been flat for decades, but now they're on a very jaunty rise. We're also seeing an upswing in bonnets and fedoras. The same with tam-o'-shanters, pilboxes, hombergs, turbans, wimples, sombreros, boaters, bowlers, beanies... But if you invested heavily in ten gallons, stetsons or baseball caps... keep that under your hat.

Leslie: With more business news, here's our weekly update with Captain Billy.

(music: accordion)
(sfx: at sea)

Billy: Well, we got some real interesting numbers, especially for new home sales, ain't that right, boys?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Aye, the September numbers was up more than expected, especially in the Midwest where they thinks they's safe from pirates! Har, har, har!

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Aye, but nobody's safe from pirates, cause pirates is everywhere! Ain't we everywhere, boys?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Meanwhile, consumer confidence dropped in the month of October, it did. All them consumers... holding on to their money they is. But we'll get it, won't we boys?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Sure we will. Cause them what still has confidence is spending in Europe, they is. The exchange rate on the dollar is so good they's spending it like... like sailors!

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Imagine that, American tourists, raucous as sailors on shore leave, buyin' up caviar, rental cars and fancy wines and even French farmhouses, boys! And when they's done with all that, we's got some genuine European treasures to sell, don't we?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

Sure we do! Like a honest to gosh Mike Angelo painting chipped off the Cistern Chapel! Why you'd have a Chapel full o' water I don't know, but it's a one-of-a-kind opportunity, ain't it boys?

(sfx: angry men up and down)

That's the business report. This here is Capt. Billy aboard the Muskelunge.

(music: end)

Leslie: And that's the news, I'm Leslie Generic.


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