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by Jennifer Hampster, 11/10/00

Dc: This is DCR, a news program not to be beleived. In all the excitement and uncertainty over the closeness of the presidential results, the major media outlets have overlooked the fledgling Enough! Party. Our chief political correspondent, Jennifer Hampster, is with the party's presidential candidate, Senator Sam Spleen, for a post mortem on the campaign. Jennifer?

(sfx: hospital ambiance)

Jennifer: Yes, I'm here, in Senator Spleen's room at Stoic Guy's Medical Center where he's been in a full body cast since falling out of the tree just before election day. Senator, how are you feeling?

Spleen: (mouth wired shut) Just fine, thank you Jennifer.

Jennifer: As you can hear, the Senator's jaw has been immobilized by doctors, so it's a little difficult to make sense of what he's saying. Some people have called your effort to rescue a kitten from the upper branches of a tree just before election day a cheap theatrical trick to get votes, a gimmick that went terribly wrong.

Spleen: It certainly wasn't my idea.

Jennifer: And others have even suggested that you fell out of the tree on purpose in a failed bid for a big sympathy vote.

Spleen: The fire department was supposed to be there with a safety net.

Jennifer: (uncomprehending) Uh huh.

(sfx: door open, footsteps approach)

Rhonda: (fade on) Who let YOU in here?

Jennifer: And here's Rhonda Alonzo! She is the Senator's campaign manager and she hasn't left his side ... well maybe a little bit ... since the unfortunate drop from the tree, which mirrored his tumble at the polls and foreshadowed his last place, negative 3% showing.

Spleen: That was really disappointing, but I'm ready to move on with my life.

Jennifer: Uh ... Can you ... make any sense out of this?

Rhonda: The Senator said "It's not possible to get a negative per cent. I'm going to demand a re-re-re-count."

Spleen: (agitated) I did not say that! And I want you to STOP saying I demand a re-re-re-count!

Rhonda: He's really mad, as you can hear, and he's not gonna stop until he gets a count that puts his total in whole numbers.

Spleen: You know what I'm saying. Tell the truth!

Rhonda: And that was something there about the truth. It's hard to make out specific words when he's so agitated.

Spleen: (exasperated sigh)

Rhonda: But you get the idea. He's really ticked.

Jennifer: It seems that with such low numbers, a re-count isn't likely to do you much good, Senator.

Spleen: That's my point exactly. It doesn't matter at all.

Rhonda: The Senator says this is about honor. That is what matters most of all.

Spleen: Rhonda! Knock it off! Don't believe her! It's over.

Rhonda: He can't believe it's over. He deserves another shot. But you know, Jennifer, a lot of this has to do with his wounded pride. There is still a grieving process to get through.

Jennifer: Senator, what are your thoughts on not getting the White House?

Spleen: I feel FREE! And RELIEVED. I'm sorry for the poor shmuck that winds up in there. It's a jail, if you ask me.

Jennifer: Rhonda, it sounded like he said he feels FREE and relieved.

Rhonda: Is that what it sounded like?

Spleen: Yes! Yes!

Rhonda: Don't get too excited, but it sounds like he does need to be relieved, and with a full body cast, that's a pretty major job. I think we should call someone on the care giving staff to help him with that. We'll just push the "call" button here.

(sfx: call button "bling")

Somebody should be along in a moment.

Spleen: (bitterly) You, Rhonda, are the most manipulative, selfish, devious person I've ever met in politics!

Jennifer: What is he saying now?

Rhonda: They've given him some really powerful painkillers, so a lot of it is gibberish. Let's go down to the nurse's station.

(sfx: they get up, start walking, steady)

Spleen: (slow fade) Rhonda! Rhonda you come back here!

Jennifer: Thank you, Rhonda, for helping out with this.

Rhonda: Sure, and if anyone from the White House transition team calls you to ask questions about me ...

Jennifer: Did you list me as a reference?

Rhonda: I did. Is that OK?

Jennifer: Sure!

Rhonda: So if they call, could you use the word "tenacious" to describe me? That's how I'm trying to position myself.

Jennifer: Well of course. I would have said it anyway.

(sfx: footsteps stop)

Rhonda: You know ... I'm glad we had this talk. I can see now that ... all along ... you have been really wrong about me.

Jennifer: And so it appears that this year's campaign is over for the Enough! Party. But what the future holds for From Senator Spleen's room at Stoic Guy's Medical Center, this is Jennifer Hampster.


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