NEWSCAST
by Leslie Generic, 11/10/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. The see-saw election continues. A commune made up of expatriate Floridian Democrats who marooned themselves on Fiji may decide the identity of the next president of the United States. Katie Friday-Crusoe is with the group.

Katie: (phone) (surf in bg) We all moved out here to experience the pristine environment and get cheap prescription drugs. We all voted for Al Gore and we sent our absentee ballots off in a kayak Tuesday night. Barring a typhoon, they should be in Tallahassee by early next week.

Leslie: But that may not be the final word. A rival group of expatriate Republicans from Florida have sent word from the mountains of Tibet that their absentee ballots are also in the mail.

Clyde: (phone) (wind in bg) We came up here to invite the Dalai Lama to convert to the Southern Baptist church. But when we got here we found out he was in San Fransisco. So ... we filled out our ballots for George Bush and they're being hand carried by a Sherpa back to the base camp. So ... that ought to settle it, right?

Leslie: CBS owned network television stations airing the "Dr. Laura" talk show have announced they will move the controversial program from it's mid afternoon slot to a new broadcast time at 2 o'clock in the morning. In TV programming, the 2am position is considered a stepping stone to oblivion. Not so, says associate producer Darling Clementine.

Darling: (phone) We think we'll find our audience at 2am because ... watching TV in the middle of the night like that ... shows really low self esteem. You're tired and weak and maybe even a little deviant. And that's precisely when you really need a moralizing bully to tell you what to do.

Leslie: A few weeks after arriving at the International Space Station, the Russian and American crew is coming down off the euphoria that accompanies any move into a new home, and is beginning to address more mundane issues.

Astronaut: (radio transmission from space) This is space station Alpha. Houston, be advised, somebody is leaving greasy fingerprints on the new kitchen counter.

Cosmonaut: (off mic) Booshdevya Hoopit smooka krinka picko snep!

Astronaut: I don't care if you had to replace the thruster bearings! This counter is NEW! Can't we keep it clean for even a few months? And who has been pressing his nose up against the glass! (sigh) This really makes me nuts.

Leslie: The crew will be replaced in four months. The Detroit Lions Coach, Bobby Ross, resigned this week, despite having a winning record and a team with playoff aspirations. It's unusual for a National Football League coach to leave during a successful season, but at least one NFL coach was willing to talk if his name was withheld.

(sfx: crowd roaring in bg)

Coach: (pitched up for shouting) What happens when you win? They dump a whole barrel of icy Gatorade on your head! (agitated) It drives a lot of good people out of the profession, as well it should!

(sfx: crowd out)

Leslie: There's another nursery rhyme in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: (phone) When Little Jack Horner goes to any public eating establishment, he sits in the corner! Misty Habits runs a local alehouse.

Misty: Yeah, Jack Horner always wants a table back in the corner. Wants to see the door. Got a lot of enemies? I dunno. Not too many friends, that's for sure.

Forrest: One recent evening, Jack Horner ordered Christmas Pie at Habits Alehouse. Alice Coopersmith was his serving wench.

Alice: Here's your Christmas Pie, I says. He don't say nothin. Enjoy it in good health, I says. He don't say nothin. Then he sticks his thumb right through the crust, he does. Just sticks his thumb in there and pulls out a plum! And then, the rascal speaks. "What a good boy am I," he says. Well, that weren't what the cook said, I can assure you of that.

Forrest: The cook at Habits Alehouse assaulted Jack Horner with a wooden spoon, and when he was arrested, he refused to apologize for the attack.

Cook: A good boy? Says who? This one's got a bit too much self esteem, if you asks me! He could be taken down a peg. More than one, I daresay.

Forrest: The Jack Horner pie incident was the most inflammatory local cooking event since 24 blackbirds were baked into a single pie about five years ago. In the previous case the blackbirds began to sing once the pie was opened, but so far, with Jack Horner, the plum has remained mum. Forrest Grimm, the village!

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home