ACCEPTING DEFEAT
by Henry "Hank" Heller, 11/17/00

Dc: It's time for a special "news you can use" feature of our show, a helpful hint from Hank!

(music: theme establish and hold under throughout)

Hank: Hi! Henry Heller Here with another Helpful Hint for healthy habits and a wholesome hoo hah. Where's my helper?

Helper: Right here, Hank!

Hank: OK... we got a letter from Walker Gorbush of Carthage, Texas. He writes... "I'm a mean son of a gun who is used to getting my way, but sometimes even I have to accept an occasional undeserved defeat. But people who have not cared a whit for their own well being have told me that I seem to be unable to do so gracefully. After I finished them off, I got to thinkin'... how CAN a stubborn guy like myself gracefully accept something less than my heart's desire? PS - No smart aleck remarks or superior sounding lectures, or I'll come down there and kick your butt!"

Well, Mr. Gorbush, there are all sorts of ways to swallow your pride, but none of them are easy or fun. So if you can't accept defeat gracefully, you've got one other option, and that's to accept it awkwardly. Where's my helper?

Helper: (off mic) Right here, Hank.

Hank: For purposes of demonstration, let's imagine that you've just defeated me in the Pie Eating Contest at the Saharin County Fair. Understanding, of course, there is no way you could ever beat me in such a contest.

Helper: OK.

Hank: To help illustrate, I'm gonna smear some pie on your face like so...

(sfx: smoosh)

Helper: Ugh!

Hank: And you do the same to me.

(sfx: smoosh)

Yuck! OK. Now we both look a mess.

Helper: But I've won and you've got to accept it!

Hank: Don't get carried away. But here's one way I can accept your victory... gracelessly. I admit that while I actually did eat more pie than you, under the rules that we have to follow, and in spite of all logic, and although I could pursue it in court and eventually get the victory I so richly deserve, by the time I got it, it wouldn't be worth having, even for me. So... you win.

Helper: Wow, Hank. That really WAS awkward and graceless.

Hank: And to top it off, here's some more pie!

(sfx: toss and smoosh)

Helper: Ack!

Hank: The key to an awkward admission of defeat is to never take responsibility for having to deliver it. Avoid that everything else will fall into place. Or out of place, as the case might be.

(music: theme back in)

Hank: That's a helpful hint from me, Henry Heller. Next time I'll tell you about .. how to irritate people so there'll never be any hope of getting anything done ... ever. Until then, remember, whatever it is, you CAN do it yourself!

Dale Connelly Reporting Home