MAKING MILLIONS
by Dale Connelly, 11/19/99

DC: There's a great deal of excitement in network TV over the re-discovery of the prime time game show. The new version of this old standard comes complete with space age sets, dramatic music, and the opportunity for contestants to "reach out" for help in answering questions that could lead to winnings of up to a million dollars.
With us is the producer of "Lucky to be Rich," Tad Testy. Thanks for coming in and sitting on "the hot seat", Tad. I know you're very busy.

Tad: The network told me I needed to get out and publicize, so here I am.

DC: I have just a few questions for you.

Tad: Fire away.

DC: Question number one ... why are there so many paunchy, middle aged white guys appearing as contestants on your show? To the apparent exclusion of everyone else?

(music: tension)

Tad: Man! Don't I get some softballs first?

DC: Is that your final answer?

Tad: No! Gol! What are my choices?

DC: The question: Why are there so many paunchy, middle aged white guys appearing as contestants on your show? To the apparent exclusion of everyone else?
A: They were the only ones with a free evening.
B: We have an arrangement with the Elk's Club.
C: They're good bluffers.
D: Really! Are there?

Tad: I'll take "D", Really! Are there?

DC: Are you sure?

Tad: I think ignorance is the only good excuse for this one.

DC: Final answer?

Tad: (gulp) Sure.

DC: It's a good guess! That's the right answer!

(sfx: applause, music)

DC: Feeling relaxed now?

Tad: I'm a game show producer. "Relax" isn't in my vocabulary.

DC: Let's try another. How do you know your contestants can take the pressure you create?

Tad: How do I know?

DC: What steps have you taken to avoid a heart attack or a nervous breakdown?

Tad: I get exercise two or three times a day walking to the front door of our building to get a smoke.

DC: I don't mean you. I mean your contestants.

Tad: Oh. Them.

DC: How do you avoid a heart attack or a nervous breakdown on the air?

Tad: What're my possible answers?

DC: A: All contestants have been thoroughly examined and certified healthy both mentally and physically.

Tad: (mutters) I know that's not true.

DC: B: The cast from E.R. is in the next studio.
C: We try to break them in the screening.
D: None. A medical emergency would be good for ratings.

(music: tension)

Tad: Hmmm. Well I know A isn't true. And C ... It's the Marines that do that, not us. B or D? Hmmmm.

DC: Remember ... you could use your lifelines here. You could ask your executive producer, you could ask the audience, or you could call home and ask your wife.

Tad: I'm gonna ask my executive producer on this one.

DC: You have her number?

Tad: On me at all times.

DC: Be my guest.

(sfx: phone dialing)

Susan: Lucky to be Rich! Susan Hoover speaking.

Tad: Susan, it's Tad. I'm doing that public radio interview you wanted me to do? And they've asked me a question I'm having trouble with. How do we know our contestants aren't going to have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown on the air?

Susan: (peeved) Great. Just great. What kind of question is that? Always looking for some kind of problem, aren't they!

Tad: Susan?

Susan: Those pointy headed pencil necked geeks!

Tad: Susan!

Susan: We don't WANT their audience anyway! They can't buy anything. They've got no money left after the blood-sucking pledge drive!

Tad: Susan, we're on the air right now!

Susan: Of course I'd be thrilled to help.

DC: Susan, here are the choices.
A: All contestants have been thoroughly examined and certified healthy both mentally and physically.
B: The cast from E.R. is in the next studio.
C: We try to break them in the screening.
D: None. A medical emergency would be good for ratings.

Susan: Um ... I'm going to say "A."

DC: All contestants have been thoroughly examined and certified?
Are you sure?

Susan: Yes, they've been looked over by our intern, Lyle.

DC: If you get this right, we'll be TWO questions into our interview!

Susan: Two questions and already you're calling for help?

Tad: I was lucky to get past question one.

Susan: Say "A." It's the right way to go.

Tad: OK! "A" it is.

DC: Final answer?

Tad: YES! Are you gonna ask that every time?

DC: And the correct answer is ... A!

(sfx: applause and music)

DC: OK, Tad, you've successfully answered TWO questions. Are you ready to go for a third?

Tad: I'd like to quit here.

DC: But we're just getting started!

Tad: I'd like to take my winnings and go home.

DC: This is public radio. You haven't won anything.

Tad: Fine. I'm OK with that.

DC: In fact, we'd like to have some money from you. If you listen, you should be a member.

Tad: I don't listen, but I'll pay you anything to get out of the rest of this interview. Is a hundred dollars enough?

DC: A hundred dollars is fine, Tad! And when you give a hundred dollars to this station, you get to choose your thank you gift!

(music: tension)

Do you want ...
A: A mug?
B: A t-shirt?
C: A mouse pad?
D: Corn Skewers.

Tad: Corn skewers? For eating corn on the cob?

DC: Is that your final answer?

Tad: YES!

DC: I'm sorry, we're out of corn skewers. How about a mug?

Tad: Fine.

DC: OK ... you're done!

(sfx: applause and music)
(sfx: quick foosteps off)

Tad: (fading quickly) All right, thanks much, it's been a pleasure.

(sfx: door close)

Tad Testy, the producer of the new TV game show sensation ... "Lucky to be Rich."

Dale Connelly Reporting Home