NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 11/26/99

LG: I'm Leslie Generic with the news.
The assault by Hurricane Floyd on the Atlantic States has led directly to a lawsuit against the National Hurricane Center by a group called "Floyds and Friends."
A spokesman for the group, Floyd the Barber, said that naming such a violent storm "Floyd" amounts to slander.

Floyd: Yes ... um ... I know they had to give it a name but ... it hurts us. As Floyds. We're a gentle group, but small, and so people may think it doesn't matter. But to call something so destructive ... Floyd ... gives us more to overcome. I heard one TV news correspondent say early in the week "Floyd is on the move, and he's a monster." Already, babies are not being named Floyd. The negative feelings from this storm could make us ... extinct.

LG: Parties to the suit include the golfer Ray Floyd, Florida Marlins left fielder Cliff Floyd, Chicago Bulls Coach Tim Floyd, the band Pink Floyd, and the estates of pianist Floyd Cramer and famed Kentucky spelunker Floyd Collins and Floyd College in Georgia.

The US State Department issued a warning this week identifying countries around the globe that may have Y2K problems this January first. Americans are advised to be wary of travel to Russia, in particular the Ukraine, around the turn of the century. In a companion report, the National Fiction Administration has identified a number of imaginary locations that may present difficulties due to Y2K.
The announcement was made in Washington by the director of the National Fiction Administration, Hester Prynne.

(sfx: cameras)

Hester: Readers are advised to take precautions when reading anything created by Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke. These elaborate fictions include computers, and unfortunately the authors are no longer living and cannot correct whatever Y2K problems are embedded in the stories. On the other hand, Middle Earth, Oz and Never Land should have no problems at all, as they are computer free.

Reporter: What about wonderland?

Hester: There are no computers there but there's a long standing caution against eating or drinking in wonderland.

(sfx: cameras out)

LG: In a related note, the National Fiction Administration has declared Camelot Y2K compliant, but also recommends that Americans traveling there receive an inoculation against melodrama.
Work continues in Congress to settle on budget figures by the September 30th deadline for the end of the fiscal year. In the event the deadline is missed, talks have already begun on the allocation of blame. This exchange in the House subcommittee on Scapegoating was typical of the debate.

Rep 1: Mr. Chairman, we have a blame surplus. More than enough!.

Rep 2: Mr. Chairman! This blame surplus has got to be on paper, because WE don't have any. It's all on the other side of the aisle.

Rep 1: It is NOT! We're blameless over here.

Rep 2: We don't have any blame!

Rep 1: Well WE don't!

Rep 2: If anybody's got the blame blame it's YOU.

Rep 1: The American people know where the blame goes.

Rep 2: It's not OUR blame! If anything, it belongs to the people.

Rep 1: And they're gonna give it to you!

Rep 2: Why not GIVE IT BACK?

LG: Congressional Blame Office projections show a surplus of blame every year for the forseeable future.
Word came this week that US retail sales AND the trade deficit are both rising, indicating that Americans are buying more at home and abroad. As a direct result, national home storage space is down almost 22% for the year. Zelda Plowright reports.

Zelda: The domestic storage space index dropped three percentage points in August alone, the largest amount ever, and is said to be the result of a large scale accumulation of goods, driven by late summer sales, tax rebates and a general reluctance to throw anything away, even if it's broken and won't work worth a darn. An analysis of the figures indicates that the shortage in available space would be even worse without a corresponding increase in the amount of existing room recently made available in American closets, armoires and wardrobes. Asked to explain the mysterious new space and where it came from, Grant Cary of the American Closet Council refused to comment, saying "Don't ask, and I won't tell." Zelda Plowright, Washington.

LG: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home