CHADS OF AMERICA
by Dale Connelly, 12/1/00

Dc: Before the year 2000 presidential election, America's most famous Chads were Chad and Jeremey, Chad Everett who used to be on Hawaiian Eye and hundreds of other TV shows, and Chad Mitchell of the once well known Trio. But now all that has changed, and men named Chad are paying the price. On the line with me is Chad Chumley, National president of Chads of America, who happen to be having their annual conference in Chatanooga. He's joining us from a pay phone at the convention center. Hello, Mr. Chumley.

Chad: Please, call me Bill.

Dc: Your name isn't Chad?

Chad: It is, but most of us here are undercover.

It's self defense. We're tired of the jokes.

Dc: Jokes like...?

Chad: Like... you say your name is Chad and they come back with "Oh, are you a 'Hanging Chad?' Or "... I see you're a 'dimpled Chad.'" Or... the worst... "Chad, are you pregnant?"

Dc: That has got to be hard to take.

Chad: What's worse is hearing "the Chads are causing all the confusion" and "if it weren't for the Chads" and "we've got to get rid of the Chads."

The American people need to know that we Chads are NOT

responsible for what is going on.

Dc: That does sound awful.

Chad: We adults can take it, but what if a young Chad overheard it?

Dc: There are young Chads?

Chad: Probably not from this day forward, but before this began, sure. And for their sake, we need to stop the Chad mocking.

Dc: So, "don't rip the Chads." They're already "dangling"! Ha!

I mean... it's not so belittling, is it? They're only little pieces of paper.

Chad: (silence) What if they were called "Dales"?

Dc: Well, they're not.

Chad: We've still got to invent a term for an unsightly boil that erupts on the face of a "probably the president-elect." I think "Dale" is a good name for that.

(calling off) Whattaya think of that? Should we say the maybe president-elect has a really ugly Dale on his face?

(sfx: off mic agreement)

Yeah, all the Chads think that's good.

Dc: OK, I get your point.

Chad: You "get my point" do you? Is that a "stylus" dig?

Dc: No, no.

Chad: Like maybe because I'm a Chad I won't "get the point" or detach like I should? Like I'll be left "swinging?"

Dc: No, not at all. You're being too sensitive.

Chad: Too sensitive? I'd say not sensitive enough! You can't screw something as big as this and lay it at our feet! It's not as if the problem bits are called "Bobs." We are a small group! No one name category has ever had to shoulder this kind of burden!

Dc: I don't think anyone's blaming you.

Chad: And they shouldn't start. If they do, America will feel the anger of the Chads!

Dc: What does THAT mean?

Chad: I can't even begin to explain it. Except to say we aren't all clean cut teenagers from the fifties! Chads come in every type! Bad Chads, Sad Chads, Mad Chads! RAD Chads! Way Rad!

(sfx: off mic agreement)

Dc: This is beginning to sound like a movement.

Chad: Chad Pride! We're glad to be Chad!

Dc: Thanks for joining us, Chad Chumley...

Chad: Please, call me Bill! I really can't handle the attention right now.

Dc: Bill Chumley, president of Chads of America.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home