NEWSCAST
by Leslie Generic, 12/1/00

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. The US Supreme Court is working overtime to sort out important questions in the presidential contest, after hearing oral arguments at the end of the week. One person affected by the court's late hours is Denise Carper, who runs DC Pizza in the nation's capitol.

Carper: The phone rings and it's all nine of 'em on a conference call.

Justice Rhenquist says "We want 5 large Island pizzas with extra cheese.

Justice Scalia: ALL five of them, island pizzas?

Justice O'Connor: What if somebody doesn't like pineapple?

Rhenquist: That person would have to be heard earlier in the process.

Justice Kennedy: You mean there's no relief for grievances even BEFORE the order is placed?

Scalia: Kinda monotonous, ALL of them the same pizza.

Justice Thomas: Let's put onions on them. That's different.

Ms. Carper (that's me): Make up your minds and call back. I'm tryin' to run a business here! Sheesh!

Leslie: Denise Carper of DC pizza.

Both Vice President Gore and Governor Bush appeared on television this week with American Flags prominent in the background. Wallace Draper is a scene dresser for a company called Scenery for Speeches and Statements.

Draper: (exasperated) The campaign is over so we can't put kids or cops in the background. But there's still so much doubt we can't put up the White House logo or the Presidential Seal... a black curtain is too gloomy, pictures of relatives on the credenza - that's an Oval office thing...

what does that leave us? Flags!

Leslie: A wealthy investor has filed a $9 billion lawsuit against DaimlerChrysler, accusing Chairman Juergen Schrempp of lying about the 1998 merger of Chrysler and Daimler Benz.

Kirk Kerkorian's lawyer, Karrie Kornkushen, called her client's complaint "compelling."

Karrie: We thought we were buying a Daimler CHRYSLER. So the car arrives and it says Daimler on the nameplate, Daimler on the dashboard, Daimler , Daimler... all Daimler, no Chrysler! And where's our paint treatment? And undercoating? And what's that discolored spot on the hood?

Leslie: A new study of brain function reveals that men use only half their brains when listening, while women use both sides of their brain for the same function. The research was done by Dr. Ken Ditzler of Flake University. He defended it at the annual meeting of the National Society of Women Radiologists.

Ditzler: Don't get the wrong idea about what this means, OK? I'm thinking that women use both sides of their brains to listen because they have to. They need the extra help to do something that men can handle with half a brain!

(sfx: audience booing)

So men aren't necessarily stupid! I'm a man!

Leslie: State Farm Insurance, one of the largest auto policy writers in the nation, announced this week it will charge lower insurance premiums for SUV's and some of the biggest vehicles on the road while boosting rates for smaller, cheaper cars. Chief Actuary Melvin Droobish explained the new policy.

Droobish: This is not intended to promote big vehicles, but we have to admit the bigger and heavier your car, the harder it is to get hurt unless it rolls over or you drive it like an idiot. So you can save about fifty dollars a year on an SUV. Drive something even bigger, like a garbage truck, you can save a hundred dollars. If you drive something even heavier, like a cement truck, we'll give you a hundred and fifty dollar break. And if you commute in a Sherman tank, we'll pay YOU to drive to work.

Leslie: New statistics from the Center for Self Deception indicate that 80% of the adult population is "unable to take a hint." The new figures come from a multi year study of adults in various walks of life who exhibited a variety of problems from body odor, to lousy singing, to severe fashion sense impairments. Tara Fandango is director of the Center for Self Deception.

(sfx: wind chime jangling earrings, jewelry)

Tara: People are just... like... oblivious. On things like jewelry for instance. People who did not exhibit taste as good, even, as mine... were told... "your earrings are, like so grotesquely huge, they sound like wind chimes." You would think somebody could take the hint, but no!

(sfx: wind chime jangling earrings, jewelry out)

Leslie: There's another fairy tale in the news. Forrest Grimm reports.

Forrest: Re-opening a case many thought was closed forever, authorities this week arrested Jack and charged him with theft and premeditated Ogrecide.

Sherriff: Back when we found a dead ogre at the foot of his beanstalk, we questioned the suspect, but at that time it appeared to be an accident. New testimony from the ogre's wife and the suspect's mother led us to re-open the file. We believe his motive was related to a cow deal that went horribly wrong.

Forrest: Charges filed against Jack say he broke into the ogre's house and stole several items, then cut down the beanstalk while the orge was on it, causing him to fall and sustain fatal injuries.

Jack was also charged with farming infractions, violating city and regional height restrictions, and cow trading without a permit. The trial should begin next week. Forrest Grimm, the village!

Leslie: And that's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home