NEWSCAST
with Leslie Generic, 12/10/99

Leslie: Here now the news, I'm Leslie Generic. The U.S. Supreme Court decided this week to consider whether the famous "Miranda" warning needs to be read to all suspected criminals. Before making their decision to decide about the Miranda warning, the justices were cautioned by civil libertarians, including famed "lost cause" attorney P.T. Barney:

Barney: You have a right remain silent on this issue.
Anything you say about it may and will be used against you in every way possible, and will be subject to endless analysis.
You have a right to a lawyer. You can have any lawyer you want. You can abuse them with your Constitutional Scholar questions on this difficult issue here in front of God, the media, and everybody. If no lawyer will appear before you, one, or several, will be forced to. Do you understand each of these rights I have explained to you? Then why are you still sitting here?

Leslie: This week the Government released it's latest Consumer Stress Index figures. Consumer Stress is almost unchanged from last month, a surprise considering the approach of Christmas shopping deadlines. The numbers have added meaning that will ripple throughout the economy, says TransNatFedBank chief economist Stella Plenty.

Stella: I can best show you how it works on the white board here.

(sfx: squeaky marker)
(becoming more stressed out as she goes)

Because the Consumer Stress Index did NOT go up as expected, Wall Street will react downward, out of fear that that holiday spending won't measure up. That will cause retailers to cut prices to increase sales to soothe Wall Street, leading to shortages in goods as inventories lag behind purchasing, causing Consumer Stress to go back UP, like so.
In the post holiday environment, return pressure will force the Consumer Stress Index UP another notch. Then Y2K will hike it another couple of notches like this ... and then there's all the uncertainty connected with the weather and the ozone hole! Then there are a thousand other annoyances like THIS BLASTED MARKER!
So ... you can see that STRESS is still a growth area!

Leslie: TransNatFedBank's chief economist Stella Plenty.
In other statistical news, The U.S. death rate dropped to a record low last year of 470.8 per 100,000 population, while life expectancy hit an all-time high of 76.7. The drop has had a profound effect on several afterlife markets. Robert Poltergeist reports.

Poltergeist: (phone) The waiting room at the Pearly Gates is empty most afternoons, prompting St. Peter to close up the shop for a few hours to take in a movie.

St. Peter: I went to see "Dogma." What a twisted fantasy! And here I thought it was some kind of animal adventure. I wish I was more busy.

Poltergeist: At the River Styx, Charon, the boatman who carries souls across to Hell, has had to lay off assistants and has started doing a weekend Bingo cruise to keep the boat busy.
Analysts say this slow period may continue up to the New Year, but predict an increase in stress will lead to more strokes and coronaries, ending the afterlife lull. This is Robert Poltergiest.

Leslie: NASA scientists have confirmed that the popular series of relationship books are correct .... Men really ARE from Mars.
Dirk Dekker analyzed the data.

Dirk: (phone) We used the Hubble space telescope to take a look at the south pole of Mars where the lander is supposed to be ...we didn't find it but what a mess! There's junk everywhere. Laundry. Construction debris. Tools. Port-a-potties, and all the seats are up. There was a civilization there at one time, but it wasn't very civil.

Leslie: Dekker says the lander may be buried under tons of debris, particularly beer bottles, and will probably never be recovered.
An organization was formed this week to fight the anti-male stereotyping of men. "Men Against Anti-Male Madness" is led by "anti-anti Male Man", Mike McGuire.

Mike: (cultured) We Men ain't uncouth. We ain't all fixated on beer. We ain't big dumb lugs. We ain't violent neither. We ain't messy. We ain't one track minded sex addicts. We ain't any of the things they says we is ... and if anyone contradicts me, I'll have to lay waste to him or her.

Leslie: IBM says it will spend $100 million to build a supercomputer far faster than any existing machine. The new supercomputer will process one quadrillion computations per second, and will be put to work decoding gene information and will be called "Blue Gene".
Meanwhile, rival computer maker Mysterious Box Company (MBC) announced it will build a computer even bigger and faster than "Blue Gene" that will make the IBM machine obsolete before it's even finished. The MBC computer will process information so quickly, it will actually be able to come up with an answer to a question slightly before the question is asked. Harmony Timbers is a spokesperson for the Mysterious Box Company.

Harmony: This computer is so fast, it represents the first step in time travel.
Doing the answers BEFORE the questions marks a big, big increase in productivity.

(sfx: hubub up)

Reporter 1: Harmony, are you ...

Harmony: Yes, Stan, we expect to produce a consumer desktop model within two years.

Reporter 2: Have you ...

Harmony: Yes, we checked and our estimate is right on the money.

Reporter 3: Do you have any ...

Harmony: The Securities and Exchange Commission prohibits the dissemination of trading advice by those with prior knowledge of future events.

Reporter 1: If you had just one word to ...

Harmony: Plastics. Still.

Leslie: Harmony Timbers of the Mysterious Box Company.
That's the news. I'm Leslie Generic.

Dale Connelly Reporting Home