Loomis Beechly - French Fries
March 13, 2003

Listen (How to Listen)

Dale Connelly: This is a very tense and pivotal time in our nation's capitol. And on the line with us to discuss the important issue of war and peace is the Congressman representing Minnesota's 8th district, all the water surface area in the state ... the Honorable Loomis Beechly.

Good morning, Congressman Beechly!

(sfx: bg, crowd and cafeteria)

Jim Ed Poole: (phone) Hello Darryl.

DC: What are you up to today?

JEP: I'm calling from the Capitol cafeteria. Last time I was home in the district, some people were critical that we in Congress gave the president complete permission to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted in Iraq ... but it turns out that was a good idea, because it freed us up to give our full attention to the important question of getting all the food names squared away here in Washington.

DC: This is about the "French fries" being turned into "freedom fries" in the capitol lunchroom?

JEP: Right, and several congressmen were instrumental in demanding that and pushing for that and making that change a reality, and while I wasn't one of them, I really support their effort.

DC: Why?

JEP: Because it's a lot easier to intimidate the cooks than it is to pass legislation or convince people back home that we know what we're doing!

DC: No, I mean why make the change at all?

JEP: To remind the French that we're mad at them. Because this is the nature of diplomacy. Either you're with us, or we take your name off our food.

Some people may think of that as harsh, but this is the big leagues here, and we're playing hardball. So I'm going to eat a big plate of freedom fries here, along with my sandwich—which used to be called a "Turkey" sandwich, but now we're calling it "Pre-emptive Victory Meat."

DC: So, Congressman, am I to assume from this that you're in favor of the war?

JEP: No, no, not really. Still undecided on that.

DC: How can you be undecided on that?

JEP: I agree with the people who say we need more time. I know I do.

DC: So you think there should be another U.N. resolution, with a deadline and conditions?

JEP: No, I don't care about U.N. resolutions. When I say I need more time I mean I'm waiting for the war to begin so I can see how it turns out.

If it's a big success and not too many people get hurt, then I'm in favor of it. If it goes the other way, I have grave concerns.

DC: Isn't that cheating, to wait that long?

JEP: I think it's cheating to ask me to decide before I know how risky it is. That's ... like putting the water skiier before the boat, to use a saying from my district.

But I am in favor of punishing the French right now, regardless.

DC: Why?

JEP: Because it's fun! And it involves eating fried potatoes, which I love to do, no matter what they're called!

DC: Joining us from the congressional cafeteria in Washington, D.C., the representative from Minnesota's 8th district, all the water surface area in the state, Congressman Loomis Beechly.