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Spendie/Popper - SpanPax 2
April 7, 2003

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(music: theme)

Dale Connelly: This section of our show is brought to you by Spendie/Popper - The Drug Company. Makers of BanFlab, NeutraChump and SpanPax.

Jim Ed Poole: I was playing golf with my friend Bill, when we had the most remarkable conversation ...

(sfx: golf swing)

DC: Come on ... fade ... fade ... fade ... Yeah! Two feet from the pin! Great shot, Dan!

JEP: I guess.

DC: You guess? That's a perfect shot! A tap-in for birdie! What's not to like?

JEP: What if the earth opens up and swallows my ball before I can get up there to make this putt? (pause) It could happen! (fade) Or a large bird of prey could swoop down and steal the ball. Or the bird could miss the ball and gouge out my eyes so I wouldn't be able to read the break.

JEP: (voice over) I realized even as I was talking that I was looking on the dark side of everything. I was unable to find joy in the simplest accomplishments. That's when Dan really surprised me.

DC: Have you asked your doctor about SpanPax?

JEP: SpanPax? What's that?

DC: It's a little green pill that lets you enjoy playing golf.

JEP: No kidding? That's what it does?

DC: That's what my doctor says!

JEP: How'd you get to talking to your doctor about golf?

DC: Easy! We were going over what I pay for medical insurance, and that got us talking about shafts. And from that we got to graphite and golf clubs and I told him I hadn't been happy with my game in over fifteen years, and he wrote me a prescription for Span Pax! (fade) So ... I got it filled and took one of the pills and went straight to the driving range to see if it improved my game, and it really didn't, but I felt better about distance and also about the way the ball hooked, even though I couldn't get it to stop!

JEP: Bill has a bad habit of telling you a lot more than you want to know. But I was interested in the first part of what he said, so once I was able to break away from him, I went to my doctor and he said ...

Doctor: What's your handicap?

JEP: My handicap is ... I'm so negative.

Doctor: No, no, I mean for scoring! Your handicap?

JEP: Well ... It's one.

Doctor: You have a one handicap? And you're gloomy?

JEP: It's been this way for a long time. Do I need SpanPax?

DC: What you need it to join my foursome for a best ball tournament at my country club! You can come as my guest! We'll kick some lawyer butt!

JEP: But doc ... what about SpanPax?

DC: The little green pill that helps you feel better about everything? That makes smooth all the rough places of life? That drains you of ambition and takes away the creative anxiety that is at the heart of some of our greatest accomplishments? The little green pill that turns you into a smiley robot with no soul?

JEP: Yeah ... that's the one.

DC: Let's play the tournament at my club first. Then I'll be happy to write you a prescription for SpanPax, and help you settle into a fog of mindless contentment!

JEP: That sounds great! (pause) But what if you forget?

Doctor: I won't forget.

JEP: What if the earth opens up and swallows you on the 18th fairway?

Doctor: It won't. Trust me.

JEP: (fade) What if a giant bird of prey swoops down and picks you up in its talons to take you back to feed to its voracious young? What if ...

JEP: (over) My doctor wrote the prescription right there on the spot with my promise that I wouldn't try to fill it until after we played golf. Our foursome won the tournament. My doctor and his doctor friends felt great about that—especially when the lawyers started handing them money, but I didn't start to feel good about anything until after I had taken my first dose of SpanPax!

DC: Spendie/Popper - The Drug Company, says "talk to your doctor about his golf game and his hobbies and what sort of events is he involved with at his country club, and then ask about SpanPax!"

And feel better about absolutely Everything!

 

 

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