Baldies of America
May 2, 2003

Listen (How to Listen)

Dale Connelly: The King and I has a controversial history. There are some who say that in its original production and in the film version, it promotes unflattering stereotypes.

Jim Ed Poole: I happen to think that's true. So it doesn't surprise me a bit that some productions of the show have been picketed by bald people.

DC: In the interests of fairness, we have a member of the bald community here this morning. Sheena Lauren is here ... good morning.

Beth Gilleland: Good morning.

DC: Thanks for helping shed some light on the issue.

BG: Shed? You mean like shedding?

DC: Oh, no. That's not what I meant.

BG: Don't say "shed" to a baldie.

DC: I'm really sorry.

BG: You should know better.

JEP: He's not very sensitive.

DC: I was thoughtless. Please forgive me. Let's talk about the issues related to ... persons of surplus scalpage.

BG: We prefer being called "Baldies" now. We're against all this tippy toeing around it. We're bald and we're proud. Militant Baldies.

DC: Ok. Baldies then.

People think the dominant social conflict in The King and I is East vs. West. As an explanation ... maybe that's half, but ...

BG: Half butt? Are you saying my head looks like half a butt?

DC: No, no! I wasn't talking about your head at all.

BG: I think you were. You were thinking it!

DC: I was thinking how ... the prevailing visual image in The King and I is Yul Brynner's head, and that in the same sense that Shakespeare's "Macbeth" is known as "the Scottish play," Lerner and Lowe's The King and I is in some circles known as "the bald musical."

BG: Yes, and for most of the pre-Jordan years, Yul Brynner was America's image of what it means to be bald.

Stubborn. Vain. Virile. Demanding.

And that's just not us. That is not who we are. There are all kinds of baldies. I don't know a single baldie who would say "it is a puzzlement!"

JEP: And you know ... what I don't like is when people deny the fundamental baldness at the heart of the show. I've seen performances of The King and I where the king has hair. And I don't think that's right. He should be bare up there. No hair. And no bald caps either.

BG: Those are atrocious and should be outlawed, I agree.

DC: What about this production, Sean?

SD: Our King is Andy Rauterkus. In real life he does have hair but he is willing to shave his head to ... as you say ... get at the "fundamental baldness at the heart of the show."

BG: I think that's quite decent of you. It's the most we can ask.

JEP: I would like to shave Andy's head right now, live, if that's OK. I brought my clippers.

SD: I know that he would love it.

DC: Andy ... are you ready for this?

Andy Rauterkus: Yeah, man, I'm stoked. (etc.)

JEP: OK, hold still.

(sfx: clipper buzz)

DC: Andy, is this a look that you've wanted to try?

AR: Ever since I was a baby, I've been trying to get back to it.

DC: How's it feel?

AR: Funny you should mention it. I can hardly feel a thing.

DC: Jim Ed is really good at this.

JEP: I learned from the best ... the Marines. OK. You're done. Now get out of here, you maggot.

DC: I feel better about your production of The King and I, knowing that Andy's playing it bald.

SD: I think it's important for character development.

JEP: I'm more of a character since I lost my hair.

DC: Someday, someone will do an all-bald King and I.

BG: I wonder if your "Anna" would like to try it.

Anna: Yes! I really would.

DC: Seriously?

Anna: I think it would put her on more of an even footing with the king and strengthen her character.

JEP: Come on over here! Say "hello" to your mother, in case she's listening.

Anna: Hi, Mom!

JEP: Here we go!

(sfx: clipper buzz)

BG: What beautiful hair. Someone be sure to gather it up! Perhaps you can make it into a wig. It's also great for nesting birds.

DC: This will be a first in the history of the American musical. Did you ever think you'd get your head shaved?

Anna: Only on radio would I ever do it.

(sfx: clipper buzz off)

JEP: Ok, you're done. Next?

Group: Me! Me! Take me next! I'll do it! (etc) (continue under)

DC: The whole cast of The King and I now want to have their heads shaved. This will be a landmark production all around!

JEP: (calling off) We're going to need a great big broom!

DC: In the meantime, let's listen to Dan Chouinard play the accordion.