Concealed Accordions
May 2, 2003

Listen (How to Listen)

Dale Connelly: Recent changes in Minnesota law have created some options in the area of personal safety. Our chief correspondent Bud Buck has a report. Bud?

Jim Ed Poole: Thank you, and good morning. I'm with Brenda Cartright, an expert in self defense, who has offered to give us a demonstration of new techniques to deter potential attackers and other annoying people. Thanks.

Beth Gilleland: Could you step back a few feet?

JEP: Certainly. How's this?

BG: One more, Buddy.

JEP: Gladly. Personal safety is important for everyone, of course.

BG: Yes, especially my personal safety.

JEP: I see that you're expecting. When is the baby due?

BG: You think I'm going to have a baby? Well you're wrong!

(sfx: accordion wheeze)

JEP: Why, that's no baby! It's a concealed accordion!

BG: Yes! Thanks to a new law it's now possible for most people to get a permit to carry a concealed accordion. A year from now you'll be able to walk down the street in Minneapolis or St. Paul or Red Wing ... and any of the people you meet ... pregnant lady, hunchback, man with a growth on his side ... any of them could be packing ... an accordion!

(sfx: accordion wheeze)

JEP: How does that protect you against anything?

BG: Like this!

(music: ditties)

Accordion music is so happy ... so innocent ... evil people naturally recoil at the sound. It burns their flesh and makes them want to run away.

JEP: Incredible. A number of folks are leaving the theater right now. (calling off) Frisk those people before they get too far!

BG: When I'm packing bellows, I feel confident and powerful.

JEP: I must say, I can feel the power.

BG: Come stand in the safety of my protective aura.

JEP: Gladly.

(sfx: footsteps over)

BG: Not that close.

JEP: And so ... accordions will be appearing everywhere ... surprising ordinary citizens as they go about their daily business, thanks to the new concealed accordion law.

BG: And if you don't want me to bring it into your place of business, you've got to post a sign, then ask me to leave it at the door, and then pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

JEP: With Brenda Cartright, personal safety expert, this is Bud Buck!