Nephew Thomas, Radio Daredevil - Birding, part 1
May 2, 2003

Listen (How to Listen)

Dale Connelly: Next weekend it's the Great River Birding Festival here along the Mississippi flyway. People will be traveling both sides of the river looking for birds on the move.

All sorts of people go birding. It's not just retired professors in khaki shorts and bush hats carrying their binoculars and Peterson's Guides through the underbrush.

And it doesn't have to be an obsession. It can be a fun hobby that's exciting and dynamic, but still casual. Because of the festival coming up and the active bird life in the river valley at this time of year, we were offered a birding consultant for this show ... someone who would help expand our image of birders. And we were not disappointed.

Pease welcome Robin Finch. Thanks for coming to see us.

Beth Gilleland: OK.

DC: You obviously don't fit the stereotype, being young. And a bit scruffy.

BG: Thanks.

DC: Why do you go birding?

BG: Something to do. To get out of the house.

DC: It's not a compulsion with you, then, the way it is with some?

BG: My only compulsion is shoplifting, but that's over now.

DC: So it's still a good hobby for you? Birding?

BG: Oh, yeah.

DC: You can appreciate nature in a way that's non-destructive.

BG: Yah. (suddenly animated) If you want to appreciate nature in a way that IS destructive, freelance beaver dam exploding is a good hobby.

I wanted to do that instead of birding but there's too much math involved, figuring out the size of the charge and all.

DC: That's too bad.

BG: And one of the terms of my probation is ... I'm not allowed to be around blasting caps. So ... I'm into birding instead. It's good.

DC: We wanted to see some birds during the show this morning.

But it really wasn't practical to take you all out into the field, so ... Robin was able to develop a strategy in cooperation with our staff.

BG: Especially that old Mr. Thomas. From the golden age of radio! It just rocks me that he's still alive, y'know?

DC: You're talking about our Radio Daredevil, Mr. Nephew Thomas.

BG: You know he's been trying to get on TV? One of my favorite shows, Phobia Mania? All I can say is ... OhmiGod!

DC: Let's bring him out! Please welcome Nephew Thomas!

JEP: Thank you. It's been a real pleasure working with Robin on her ideas, especially this "Bird Stunt."

DC: You're trying to get on Phobia Mania?

JEP: Yup. This is kind of a warm up, cause I have a Hitchcockian "thing" about birds. A ... dread, if you will. I'm worried that they'll swarm over me and peck my eyes out with their sharp, merciless beaks.

But I'm going to defeat that fear this morning, right here.

I'm going to have my entire body ... from the neck down ... covered in a light glue ... and then ... I will roll myself over and over in a trough of highly concentrated and fiendishly potent birdseed.

BG: It's so powerful, we call it "Bird Nip."

JEP: Exactly. Then we will open the doors and I'm going to try to stand so completely still that the birds will actually land on me and feed off my coating, even though I find them scary and repulsive.

DC: What a frightening thought for someone who is birdophobic.

JEP: And Robin will identify whatever birds come in!

BG: Try to, anyway.

JEP: That's part of the excitement of birding.

BG: Yah. A few thrilling moments separated by lots of dull waiting.

DC: And you're not afraid?

JEP: I'm absolutely mortified. Ready with the glue?

BG: Ready!

(sfx: fire extinguisher)

JEP: Agh! Cough cough!

DC: Mr. Thomas! Are you all right?

JEP: Just fine! Prepare the Bird Nip!

DC: What's in it?

BG: Dried bugs and worm parts and stuff. I'll pour it into the trough.

(sfx: pouring grainy stuff into open metal container)

DC: OK! The Bird Nip is in the trough!

JEP: Very well ... here I go!

DC: Nephew Thomas, the radio daredevil, now lowering himself into the trough of highly potent birdseed ... and ... he's rolling in it.

(sfx: rolling in trough)

Make sure you get completely covered there.
BG: Missed a spot! Let me help you out!

(sfx: handfuls of seed being scooped up)

JEP: Keep it away from the eyes! Away from the eyes! OK, enough!

How do I look now?

(sfx: pebbles falling off as he stands)

DC: Very impressive.

BG: Dude, you look like a salted nut roll.

DC: Are the doors open? (pause) They are. The flyways are clear, from anywhere in the river valley, directly to you!

JEP: Now we wait. (brief pause) Well, I guess they're not coming. I don't think there's much point in waiting longer.

DC: I think we need to give them more time.

Let's wait a few minutes. Birding is all about patience.

JEP: (gulp) OK. I guess.

BG: This'll give me a chance to study the bird book, so I can identify whoever comes.

(sfx: rustle of pages)

DC: Putting himself at risk and facing his deepest fears in an attempt to qualify for the Reality TV Humiliation Show "Phobia Mania, Radio Daredevil Nephew Thomas has made himself irresistible to birds.

BG: (off) What's this one with the red chest?

DC: Thanks to Robin Finch, bird watching expert.