Nephew Thomas, Radio Daredevil - Birding, part 3
May 2, 2003

Listen (How to Listen)

Dale Connelly: Nephew Thomas, the radio daredevil, has been standing here, coated in bird seed for an hour, trying to attract migrating birds into the theater.

Mr. Thomas, you look like a statue in a city park.

Jim Ed Poole: Yes, all I need is a pedestal, some graffiti, and a shiny spot where everyone's touched me.

No, not there.

DC: There's been a lot of human traffic ... but so far, no birds.

JEP: They are not taking the bait. So ... I'm ready to give up.

DC: Robin Finch, our birding consultant ... you agree?

Beth Gilleland: No! We've already had a squirrel ... and word gets around in the animal kingdom. If you know what I mean.

DC: This is based on research you've done?

BG: Yeah, from watching Bambi.

JEP: What kind of birds do you think we'll get?

BG: Probably not the kind that want to blind you and then wait around for you to die so they can pick the meat off your bones. Probably.

JEP: Probably?

(sfx: bird flutter up and lands)

DC: Do I hear a flutter of wings? I think there are birds coming.

JEP: Aiiiiiiiiii. I can't look.

BG: It is a bird. Don't scare it! Hold still. Just let it land on you.

JEP: Eeeeep. Robin, what is it? Hurry up!

BG: Ummmmm. It's .... It's a .... Hang on, let me get my book out.

DC: This is always an exciting moment, finding out if the bird we see matches one in our book.

(sfx: thumbing through book)

BG: (muttering to self) Albatross? No. Auk? No. Blackbird? No. Bluejay? No. Bobolink ... Bobwhite ... Boobie ... Bufflehead ...

DC: (over Robin) Mr. Nephew Thomas, facing his fears in an attempt to get on the TV reality humiliation show Phobia Mania ... allowing himself to be put at the mercy of a wild bird here live at the Sheldon Theater.

JEP: It's not looking at my eyes, is it?

BG: No, not really.

JEP: Not really? What does that mean?

BG: Hard to know what's going on inside that little brain.

JEP: So what kind of bird is it?

BG: Ruling things out, right now. Not a Eagle. Not a Duck.

JEP: (weakly) OK.

BG: Might be a Tufted ... uh ... Plover.

Or a Red Nosed Pilfer.

(sfx: bird wings in multiples ... calls increase)

JEP: What's that sound?

DC: Here come more birds!

JEP: Robin! What are their names?

(sfx: more frantic paging)

I'm looking, I'm looking! Uh ... maybe a Plumed Bifurcator, and a Snowy Eared BuffleGrouse. And a ...

JEP: Give me names!

BG: We're gettin' a bunch of 'em now. Um ... there's a Worm Eating Gnat Skimmer. I think. And a Scarlet Warbler.

DC: Which one is the Scarlet Warbler?

BG: That one ... it's gray.

DC: The gray one is a Scarlet Warbler?

BG: Um ... It's a Clay Colored Scarlet Warbler. I'm pretty sure. Kinda.

DC: Man, there are suddenly a lot of birds!

JEP: Names! Give me more names!

(sfx: paging)

BG: I'm looking, I'm looking!

JEP: Forget the book! My life is on the line here!

BG: OK. OK.

JEP: Spit it out!

BG: Um ... that one is a ... a Red Billed Eye Poker.

JEP: Ahhhhhhh! That's not really its name, is it?

BG: I don't know! Yes! I think so! I think I see a ... Mottled Jelly Gouger!

JEP: Gouger! Ak! Like in eye jelly?

DC: Robin!

BG: Well? He asked!

DC: I've never heard of these birds, Robin.

BG: You haven't? Well that's because they're ... really, really ... local.

JEP: I can feel something on my shoulder that's big, with talons!

BG: That may be a Drill Nosed Brain Sucker.

JEP: Aghghghg!

BG: Or it could be the Wild Lasik. Not sure.

JEP: Keep it away from my eyes!

DC: You know, I think I'm hearing the song of a Nervy Fabricator. You know ... a faker that makes up its call as it goes along. Robin?

BG: Could be. What if there was?

DC: I would want to point it out. Cause they're pretty bad.

BG: You know what's worse is ... a Bulbous Rumped Tattler. They give away secrets and stuff and ruin fun times. And people like to shoot them.

DC: There would have to be a pretty severe penalty for shooting a Bulbous Rumped Tattler, if you know what I mean.

BG: Well ... it might be worth it ... if you know what I mean.

JEP: If anyone cares ... the bird beaks are getting through the layer of seed and are beginning to peck at my skin!

BG: So ... is that a problem?

DC: I think we need to call a halt to this. How do we get the birds to leave?

BG: Simple.

JEP: Then DO it!

DC: Do we just make a loud noise?

BG: No! You wanna cause them stress? These are wild creatures!

JEP: What about my stress?

BG: What we do is call the cat. They hear me calling a cat, they'll leave.

DC: They will?

BG: Birds are pretty smart.

DC: You don't have a cat.

BG: They're also pretty dumb. (calling) Here Kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty. Here kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty!

(sfx: large flock of birds takes off at once)

DC: There they go!

JEP: (lifting off) Ahhhhhh! How do you make 'em put me down?

DC: And they're taking Mr. Thomas with them!

BG: Oooops.

JEP: Heeeeellllllllllllllp!

DC: A flock of wild birds has just carried Nephew Thomas, radio daredevil, out of the theater. To ... we don't know where.

BG: Probably not anything to worry about. For us.

DC: He's been in tough situations before ... I'm sure he'll find a way out of this one too.

BG: Straight down, probably.

DC: It will be a memorable sight for the bird watchers of the area.

BG: They're gonna have a tough time naming him. Maybe something like ... a Full Flustered, Ear Tufted GeezerBird. Eh?

DC: Thanks to Robin Finch, our birding consultant, for her help today. And don't miss the Great River Birding Festival here along the Mississippi flyway, next weekend. Come out and see what you can spot!

BG: Look for a big one in a bow tie and suspenders.