Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty

Dale Connelly: Good evening and welcome to the Paramount Theater. I'm DC.

Jim Ed Poole: And I'm JEP. We have a great show for you tonight.

DC: Maggie and Suzzy Roche will be along in a bit, and we'll hear from the George Mauer group momentarily.

JP: Portions of tonight's concert will be broadcast on the Morning Show on MPR next week. For most of you here tonight the potential radio broadcast is nothing to be concerned about, but for those of you in the first few rows, you'll need to stay alert.

DC: While it's true that in radio you can't see anything … you'd be surprised at the extent to which the audience will be able to sense your presence.
And so there are privacy issues to consider.

JP: Check yourself now for identifying vocal tics. Especially when laughing, applauding … muttering and so on.

DC: Even rustling in your seat, your posture, whether your legs are crossed at the knees or the ankles … all of this is picked up and could be broadcast.
At the same time, it IS radio, so you COULD pretend to be someone else, but I think it's best to leave that sort of thing to the professionals.
Not to alarm you, or anything.

(sfx: footsteps, w/ keys)

Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty: (BSO) I believe alarming them is MY job!

DC: It's bathtub safety officer Rafferty!

BSOR: At ease, civilians! At ease, but don't relax.
We are currently at Community Stress Level Mauve.
Mauve means: be suspicious but not paranoid.
Be nervous but not jumpy.
Be alert but not alarmed.
And keep an eye on the children, of course.

DC: We all worry about the children.

BSOR: This is the weekend they get their Harry Potter books.

DC: Isn't it great to see children excited about reading!
They've been waiting for this book … for years.

BSOR: But I'm afraid they're not ready.
The book is enormous. Over 890 pages, and our children are in terrible physical shape.
Summertime is supposed to be for 'light' reading, but along comes this mammoth book, this Humvee with covers, and we give it to our children, and let them wander off with it, unsupervised. I don't think it's right. They need training and exercise.

DC: Well, I'm not worried about it.

BSOR: You should be. Our children are eating bad food.
They're not working out.
If you've been on the couch watching television since December …
and I suddenly drop an 890 page book on you - that book is a safety hazard. You could strain your back when you go to pick it up.
It could slip out of your hands and land on your toe and you might develop a funny way of walking that would lead to hip dysphasia, or gangrene!
Or you could simply fall asleep while reading it and it could slowly crush your chest, like a python.

DC: It's just a book!

BSOR: 890 Pages? That's no mere book. And they're stacking them ten feet high in the stores. That's about five books' worth. What if a display fell on you? How would you get out? Don't go reading this alone! Have a book buddy with you at all times.

DC: You're serious!

BSOR: I'm very concerned!

DC: This has nothing at all top do with what's in the book ….

BSOR: Not at all! We're OK there. I've run a "dangerous plot device" check, and the book passes with flying colors.

DC: It does?

BSOR: I had the computer look for all the standard high risk household word combinations, like "fork / socket", "toaster / bathtub" and "clear / garbage disposal". And none of that stuff happens in this book.

DC: What about combinations like "brooms / flying"?

BSOR: There are flying brooms in the book?

DC: And people ON the brooms. With no helmets.

BSOR: Adults? Professional stunt men and women?

DC: No, the flying characters are children.

BSOR: And they do this flying-on-brooms once or twice?

DC: No, repeatedly! And they wear long robes you could trip on. And they run with sticks.

BSOR: , I'm embarrassed by this. I thought we had connected all the dots. But apparently some unconnected dots have slipped through the cracks.

DC: What are you going to do about it?

BSOR: Based on fresh intelligence … we're going to upgrade from Stress Level Mauve to Stress Level Chartreuse.

DC: When?

BSOR: Now. Immediately. We're at Chartreuse right now.
Chartreuse means: be highly suspicious and a little paranoid.
Be extremely nervous and somewhat jumpy, but not near open windows.
And be constantly alarmed unless you HEAR an alarm, at which point you should not panic, but be prepared to panic if you're given the signal.
Got it?

DC: Got it.

BSOR: Every household should keep the broom under lock and key until further notice. And I want a perimeter around the vacuum cleaner, just in case. Any toads, newts or snakes in the house should be watched carefully.

DC: All right, then.
Thanks for the tips. Bathtub … wait a minute. Can I see some ID?

BSOR: Of course! Look at all these keys!

(sfx: keys jangle)

You think they'd let just anyone carry all this?

DC: I can't argue with that.

(sfx: footsteps off)

BSOR: (fade) I'm going to wait over here by the side of the stage and … be watchful. Feel free to ignore me unless I intervene!

DC: Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty! We're going to start our show by bringing out the George Maurer Group.

JP: This is a wonderful ensemble that plays everything in jazz from blues to bebop to swing and they add their own original compositions too.

DC: The players are good friends and they combine a lot of diverse stage experience, from Carnegie Hall, to Montreaux, to the Fitzgerald, McKnight & the Dakota …

(sfx: footsteps fade up)

BSOR: (fade on) Pardon me, I just want to say that I'm very happy to see the musicians working in groups tonight. The Buddy System is a proven winner. So … "right on," and keep up the good work.

DC: Thanks for that.

JP: They really do stick together and support each other. A "tight" ensemble that's very flexible.

DC: They are one of Central Minnesota's sparkling contributions to the musical culture of the state, please welcome the George Maurer Group