Membership Bit

DC: At the end of June we have a membership drive to wrap up the fiscal year. It's very important that you make that call of support, and people who listen to public radio understand that.

JP: This is a great time to ask yourself … if you're not a member of MPR … why is that?

DC: It's that Morning Show. I just don't get it, you know?
Does anyone really think that Doctor Kyle or Bile or whatever is funny?
What purpose does that serve?
I don't even get what that's supposed to be about.

JP: But don't fall into the trap of focusing on one thing that you don't like to the exclusion of all the things that you DO like. That's a common mistake.

DC: And conversely, … if you find yourself making a pledge, take time to choose an amount that's comfortable for you. Don't get carried away , because if you over commit, it's difficult to backpedal later on.

(Music: dramatic underscore)

JP: I didn't mean to do it, I just …
I lost my head and thought I could afford to contribute twice my salary!
It wasn't malicious or anything, honest! I'm a good person!
I'm just philanthropically over-ambitious, that's all.
You can understand that! I was confused!
And I STILL don't get what that morning show is for, anyway.

DC: Over promising on the pledge line … it happens more than you think. So take a deep breath and relax. You can do more than you think, and probably less than you wish. But remember that we are all on the same side.
And while we've made very specific plans based on your elaborate promise of support … if it turns out you can't follow through, we're not going to belittle you or embarrass you, or threaten you … in public.
However … late some night, there may be a knock on your door.

(sfx: knock on door)

Uh, pardon me.

(sfx: door open) (voc)

DC: Yes?

Dr. Kyle: I'm Dr. Larry Kyle from Genway and MPR?
Last fall you pledged to make a significant and very generous financial contribution to MPR. Do you recall it?

DC: (embarrassed) Well … um …

Dr. Kyle: We ARE counting on the money.
We rely on your support, as I'm sure you've heard, time and again.

DC: That may be, but … I'm sorry to say that …

Dr. Kyle: AND … We've already spent the money.

DC: You have?

Dr. Kyle: Thanks to your generous promise, Michael Barone bought a year's supply of hair nets to keep his beard out of the mechanics of the organs he plays on Pipedreams.

(sfx: bolt)

Heh heh heh heh heh heh …

DC: I didn't know you were going to …

Dr. Kyle: It's an expense of doing business.
And a safety issue for Michael … one which he takes very personally.
Just wanted you to know we haven't forgotten.
WE are still expecting to get your payment.

DC: WE?

Dr. Kyle: WE! We expect you to pay. We need you to pay!

(sfx: bolt)

You give us life! Heh heh heh heh! Life, I say!

DC: Who are we?

Dr. Kyle: Yes, yes. That is the question. Who are we? Are we the sort of person who follows through on our obligations, or are we the sort of person who pledges and runs? Only YOU can say. I can't make that decision for you.

DC: So I have to pay it all now?

Dr. Kyle: I can't tell you that. I can't tell you anything, or make you do anything. I have no power here.

DC: But you're strong arming me.

Dr. Kyle: I can't strong arm you. I can't argue with you. I can't even guilt trip you.

DC: You work for public radio and you CAN'T guilt trip me?

Dr. Kyle: Well maybe I can. But in order to do that, I have to GIVE you something. As a thank you. Even though you're welshing on your commitment.

DC: You don't have to do that.

Dr. Kyle: It's a pair of Genway Nutritional Fruit Bats!

(sfx: bat squeaking, voc)

DC: You mean Nutritional Fruit Bars?

Dr. Kyle: NO! I Mean BATS!

(sfx: bolt)

Heh heh heh heh heh … Genway Nutritional Fruit Bats are part bat, part nutritionist! They'll chase you down, nest in your hair, crawl on your face, and FORCE you to eat your daily allotment of healthy fruit, pushing it into your mouth with their little bat hands!

(sfx: bolt)

Heh heh heh heh hehheh heh heh! Don't ask how they do it! You don't want to know! They're incredibly persuasive! And I am giving you some for free! To have for your very own, alone with you in your home. All Day, and All Night! Especially at night, when they're most active!

DC: But I don't want them!

Dr. Kyle: You MUST take them!

DC: WHY?

Dr. Kyle: Because! It's a gift! It's what we do!

(sfx: bolt)

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh …

DC: No! Don't! Here's my money! I'm sorry I'm late with the payment. I won't do it again! Honest.

Dr. Kyle: Thanks for the money.

DC: You're welcome. I hope that settles it.

Dr. Kyle: No, I STILL have ONE Genway Fruit Bat for you!

(sfx: bat squeaking, voc)

DC: No! Ah! Wait! Did I only mention I want to increase my pledge? I do! Here! Take! All of it! All the money. Just … don't release the … you know. Not anywhere near me. Please don't.

Dr. Kyle: OK! Twice your salary! Are you sure you're not over promising?

DC: NO! After talking to you, no amount of money would be too much.

Dr. Kyle: OK! As I said, I can't argue with you. I just hope you understand … the importance of your contribution to MPR … AND now you know what the Morning Show is for!

(music: bolt and dramatic underscore end)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DC: Suddenly it's all clear. Take time to make your membership call today to help us balance the budget by the end of the fiscal year and perhaps ending the drive early. Please pledge an appropriate amount to this listener supported radio service.

JP: Our next performers know what it means to make sacrifices for art.

DC: Maggie and Suzzy Roche have been professional musicians for a long time, and they've also been waitresses and bartenders and students. They are sisters. They're harmonious, inventive, original, spiritual.

JP: And it's our good fortune that they've decided to enter the music business more often than they've decided to quit it. Please welcome the Roches.