Jacques Pierre Panache - Le Pie
February 14, 2003

Listen (How to Listen)

Dale Connelly: This section of our show is brought to you by the fine family of fragrances from Mr. and Mrs. Jacques Pierre Panache.

Jim Ed Poole (Jacques): Panache for Men—timeless fragrances like "Deny," "Delusion," "Eau de Phew," "Neapolitan," "Tin Roof," and "Moose Tracks."

Beth Gilleland (Mrs. Panache): Panache for Women ... classics such as "L'amour du Jour," "Esteem," "Entourage," "Fling," "Melange," and "Woo"!

JEP: The Retiree Collection ... including evocative and pacemaker-safe fragrances like "Dividend" and "Buffet."

BG: And ... Panache Jr.—for the early years.

JEP: Like the seventh grade, no? Where the shy boys are sitting along the wall in the middle school gym just before the Valentine's Dance ...

DC: (fade up) ...nothin' to it, guys. You move out. You make contact. You dance and then retreat back here to the wall, where we de-brief.

Noah Hoehn: Are they already out there when you get out there?

PM: Do they see you comin'? Do they know?

DC: Doesn't matter. Before you have a chance to get scared, you're face to face with 'em. Then you just remember your training. And ...

JEP: 'Allo boys.

DC, NH, PM: Mr. Panache!

JEP: You are nervous about the dance, no?

DC: No, no no.

PM: Not at all.

NH: No way. Not a bit.

DC: A lot, actually.

PM: Kinda petrified.

NH: Mortified, Mr. Panache.

JEP: But of course! You are about to do something very, very big. Do not pretend it is small, eh? Phillipe! The blues!

(music: somber pre-battle harmonica blues)

Let me see you. You have put on the nice clothes?

You have combed the hair?

The shoes, they are shined, no?

Let us see how you pass the test!

Fifi! Come see these boys!

DC: Not Mrs. Panache, please!

PM: She scares me.

NH: I kinda like her.

DC and PM: Shhhhh!

BG: 'Allo, boys. Do you think you are ready to dance?

DC, PM, NH: No, nope, not really.

BG: Perhaps you would like to ask me for a dance, eh? To practice.

DC, PM, NH: No, nope, not really.

JEP: Go ahead, boys. Do not be so nervous. All you say is: "Would you like to dance?" Simple, eh?

DC: (gulp) Would you like you to dance me, with you, uh, Mrs. Panache?

BG: Do not think of me as Mrs. Panache.

JEP: She is every woman you will ever know.

DC, PM, NH: (sigh)

NH: (softly) Would dance ... you like?

PM: (softly) Like you ... would dance?

DC: (softly) You dance like ... would?

BG: (pause) No, I do not think so.

DC: Why not?

JEP: Because ... you are pitiful.

BG: And pee-yoo, boys ... you stink.

DC, PM, NH: (hurt) Ohhhhh.

JEP: It is the nerves, eh?

(music: harmonica stops)

Do not feel so bad. Romance, it makes for the sweat. That is why I have created Panache Junior. And in it I have put the fragrance that the very young girl and the very young boy will find ... how you say? Provocative, no?

PM: (sniff, sniff) Hey, it smells like pizza!

JEP: Oui, oui. When the boys and the girls are not so sure about romance ... one thing they can agree on ... is the pizza, eh?

PM: Hey, dude, check it out! I'm like ... pepperoni!

NH: And me, man! Veggie!

DC: (inhale) I'm feeling my strength return.

(music: harmonica returns, more confident and upbeat)

PM: Just call me Mr. Deep Dish!

NH: I'm feeling totally natural now.

DC: Like a babe magnet.

BG (7th grade girl): And I'm like, so tired of waiting. Which one of you geeky jokers wants to dance?

PM, NH, DC: (gasp) Him!

BG: How 'bout you? You smell like anchovies. Let's go.

C'mon, whattsamatter? Life is short, y'know? (fade) I got a basketball game tonight, Geez.

DC: (fade) Wait a minute ... my shoe's untied!

JEP: The Jacques Panache Collection ... including Panache Jr. for the very young, with "Le Fry," "Le Burger," and "Le Pie." Fragrances for all phases of life!

(music: harmonica ends)