Hockey Soap Opera

(music: Organ theme - charmaine)

Nilo: And now ... Worldly Goods .... The most Sophomoric Serial on radio. Join us now, as we travel to Wendell Wilkie High School where Bubby Spamden and his best friend Bob are skating down a freshly iced hallway, struggling to adapt to the latest trendy approach to education ...

(sfx: ice skating and between class hubbub)

(music: organ theme segues into skating rink ditty)

Bob: Hurry up, Bubby! We don't have a lot of time!

Bubby: No problem. I made a hall pass on my computer last night. Laminated it, even. Looks pretty real.

Bob: Yeah, but there's less time between classes since we went to the new Hockey Based Learning.

Bubby: The trick is to avoid those seniors hanging out down by the gym.

Bob: They really pounded you last time.

Bubby: And I thought girls were supposed to be nice.

(music: organ tune ends)

Bob: Hey ... speaking of which ... there's Virginia.

Bubby: Let's talk to her. Mr. Panache gave me some good advice ...

Bob: Our Political Science teacher?

Bubby: Yeah ... he's French so he knows all about girls!

Bob: I thought he was Canadian.

Bubby: He said I should ... you know ... say something nice! I'm gonna give it a try. Come on, you can listen in!

(sfx: skating up)

Hi Virginia! .... Whoah!

(sfx: slam into lockers)

Ha! Sorry about your locker! Slippery spot on the ice. Anyway, hello!

Virgina: (not too interested) Yeah, hello, uh ... ummmm ...

Bubby: Bubby! So ... how are you liking the new Hockey Based Learning? Sure is different, seeing everybody on skates. (awkward pause) With the uniforms and helmets and stuff, you can't even tell who's who, or what! Y'know?

Virgina: I have to get to class.

Bubby: Before you go ... I think you look just wonderful in baggy pants.

Virgina: (with disdain) You mean breezers?

Bubby: Is that what they're called? Not baggy pants?

Virgina: Not by anyone who knows anything.

Bubby: See, and you're just so smart about hockey. Like ... uh ... the other day in algebra when we were figuring out how puck velocity changes with the temperature of the ice ... the work you did on the board was ... cool.

Virgina: I really have to get to class.

Bubby: And what you said in Political Science too! About how the NHL style of hockey with all the violence is like a "total librarian" system.

Virgina: You mean totalitarian?

Bubby: (encouraged by her interest) Yeah! And I really liked what you said ... how it's ... so ... Monkey Villain. And if you need someone to BE a Monkey Villain for you ... I'm ... like really available ...

Virgina: (interrupts) Do you mean Machiavellian?

Bubby: Yeah. Right. It's not Monkey Villain?

Virgina: (disappointed sigh) You're in my way.

Bubby: Oh. Sorry. Bob! Stop being in Virgina's way!

Bob: I'm not!

Bubby: Rrrrrrrrrrghghgh.

(sfx: violent cross check into lockers, followed by school bell)

Bob: Ow.

Bubby: I cleared the zone, for you, Virginia! How was that?

(sfx: skating starts)

Virgina: (fading off) There's the bell. You're going to be late for class!

Bob: Ow!

Bubby: Did you hear that Bob? She told me I'm "going to be late for class!" Like she cares! Do you think I impressed her? This time I think I really got her attention!

Bob: Let's hope it doesn't turn into detention.

Bubby: Naw, we'd have to get caught in the hallway without .... oh ... Hi, Vice Principal McSorely. (fade) It's OK ... I've got a pass! See?

(music: Organ bridge segues into more skating music)

Bob: Well, we're eating in the cafeteria penalty box again. Thanks to you.

Bubby: It wouldn't be so bad if people would QUIT STARING!

Bob: Yeah, well, that's not as bad as when your best friend cross checks you into the lockers just to impress a girl.

Bubby: (excited) You know, I think she's attracted to my unpredictable, kinda preemptive knack for mayhem. Maybe she'll hang out with me at the Moonlight Skate. I should thank Mr. Panache for the advice. (calling off) Hey Mr. P! Mr. Panache, c'mere!

Bob: What're you calling him over for? He gives me the creeps.

(sfx: skating approach)

Bubby: No, he's really a good guy! Hi Mr. Panache! Thanks for the advice about Virginia! I said something nice to her and I think it's making a difference!

Bob: so you're teaching Political Science AND Romance, Mr. P?

Panache: Romance. Politics. They are one and the same, eh?

Bubby: So what do I do next?

Panache: If it is love you desire ... you must let go of aggression. You must learn to skate in the European style, eh? With speed and grace! The ladies think it is very elegant.

Bob: Speed and grace? Isn't that a lot of work?

Bubby: I was going to be her Monkey Villian!

Panache: There are many little NHL hockey boys who think this way, but I say NO! You cannot love and fight at the same time, eh? You must skate like the artist! But do you have the talent? Do you have the courage?

Bubby: I do! I do!

Bob: You do?

Panache: This ... we will find out soon enough!

(music: organ bridge ... "Rocky Theme?")

Nilo: And so ... Bubby resolved to learn to skate in the European manner to make a favorable impression on Virgina. With the help of the mysterious and elegant Mr. Panache, he began a concentrated course ... in the smooth style.

Panache: Light on your feet, Bubby! Faster! Precision!

Bubby: Ahhhh!

(sfx: crash into lockers)

Panache: Show me the footwork, eh? Quickly now! Make the pass sharp and clean! Behind your back now. Behind ...behind!

Bubby: Ahhhhh!

(sfx: crash into lockers)

Panache: Bubby, you must become a master of finesse!

Bubby: (off mic) Finesse? Is that ... like French for fines? Ahhhhh!

(sfx: crash into lockers)

Panache: Come over here Bubby!

(sfx: skating fade up)

Bubby: (fade up) Wow, Mr. Panache. This European suave style is a lot harder than plain old violence! Can't I go back to that?

Panache: You must give it time ...

Bubby: I don't have time, Mr. Panache. I can't stand the thought of Virginia liking somebody else better than me! I'm leaving!

Panache: You are not ready. You have only begun your training.

(sfx: skating off)

Bubby: (fade) I've got to see Virgina now!

Panache: No! Wait! You are not ready! Not ready!

(music: organ segue from Rocky theme to happy skating music)

(sfx: skating over)

Bubby: Hi Virgina!

Virgina: You again!

Bubby: Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I've changed! I'm not into violence and all that dumb fighting and stuff. I'm more European now, even though I was born in South St. Paul! And it's all because of you and how swell you look in your breezers!

Virginia: That's sweet, um ....

Bubby: Bubby!

Virginia: Right. But Bubby, but you can't change styles overnight.

Bubby: I can! I've been practicing! Wanna see me skate like I'm from the Czech Republic?

Virgina: You don't have to ...

Bubby: I want to! See all those kids over there waiting in line with their lunch trays? How about if I thread my way through them, like a ballet dancer on skates, huh? Not a single one of them will be touched!

Virginia: You'd better not ...

Bubby: I'll do it for you! Here I go!

Virgina: No, wait ... Don't!

(sfx: skating off)

(sfx: cacophony of screams, crashes and falling lunches etc.)

Bubby: (fading off) Suave European style hockey coming through! Pardon me! Whoopsie! Can I have one of your Tater Tots! Skating demonstration! Hey, chocolate pudding, my favorite! Watch your elbows! Wheeeeee!

(sfx: skating fade up)

(breathless) Well, Virginia? How's that for the clean European style?

Virginia: See for yourself!

Bubby: (pause) Hey! Was there some kind of food fight? Just now? I must have missed it.

Virgina: I don't think you missed anything or anybody.

Bubby: Wow, pudding sure is gross when it hits the ice, huh?

(music: organ theme - Charmaine)

Nilo: And so ... The new curriculum at Wendell Wilkie High School is teaching Bubby and Bob the finer points of hockey, self defense ... fancy skating ... and romance. But will they survive long enough to learn anything? And what about Mr. Panache? Is he realy French? Or Canadian? Or could he be ... BOTH! Join us next time for another important episode of the most sporadic and sophomoric serial in radio ... Worldly Goods! Nilo Saharin, speaking.